I Am So Sick

My stomach is in knots right now and I have been crying for the past hour.

 If you follow this blog regularly you'll know that in July that a couple awesome neighbors gave us two milking goats plus their babies. One of the goats, Rita (the black goat) already had a "lump" on her neck that had been lanced by a vet prior to receiving her. Both the vet and the owners said that what came out did not look like CL, Caseous Lymphadenitis so we brought her to our farm. We began milking both goats and have been enjoying the daily milk, so have our 3 cats. In time I notice the lump began to grow a bit. I called the previous owners to find out that all their goats have "lumps" now and that they took them in to have them tested for CL. Test results came back negative. So we kept milking until Tuesday of this last week.

 I started milking Rita when I noticed she wasn't eating her grain. If you know goats they SCARF down the molasses grain mixtures like they haven't eaten for days. I thought it strange, stood up and saw the horror. The lump had burst and foul smelling "stuff" was coming out. We tried to clean the wound and sanitize the milk stand and all milking supplies. I separated Rita and her baby from the others. I dumped the milk and have stopped milking all together for the year. I have been doing research on CL and it looks like this is a plague. That there is no cure for CL although we could manage it. Meaning we would always be lancing lumps, and burning the bedding in the pen. What a pain in the butt. As i,s we have to burn the top two inches of soil in the pen along with anything that could have been contaminated with the CL since her lump actually burst in the pen during the night. They say it is extremely contagious. That the bacteria can survive in the soil for up to a year, can survive -50 below zero weather and can pass even through a cough or sneeze. Just from me walking in the pen, if I stepped on where the puss fell I most likely spread it clear across our lawn walking back to the house with my muck boots. The worst of it is that is can be transferred to humans!

So what do we do now? Do we put Rita down and auction Cow her boy? There is a high chance that Cosette and her two babes have it as well. Do we sell all the goats for meat with full discloser?  Then burn the whole pen and their wooden shelter and start new? Or do we give up on goats altogether. Do we dare keep an animal that can contract an incurable, human transferable disease?

 They are MY babies. All of them. I have come to love each of them with their quirky personalities. I know I shouldn't pick favorites but Rita is my favorite. I am feeling guilt and shame for even contemplating putting her down yet I am feeling frustration for knowing we'll have to fork out money to keep an animal alive that will always be a threat the rest of the herd and never be of use.

While I am pouring out my heart about animals right now, I processed one of our chickens about a month ago. It was the first time I have ever purposely killed an animal. I bawled through the whole processes, I could hardly see what I was doing. I still tear up thinking about the experience. It changed me. I can't say that I am proud of what I did, but rather humbled. If all people had to process their own meat to eat from animals they have come to love, people would eat meat more sparingly. Thank you to all animals that give their life that we may live.