If You Really Want To Know

I haven't wanted to write about what happened to my father, but I realize that there is no running from it. 

I haven't been able to write about it in my journal yet. Every time I try to write something I just end up throwing the pen. I can't even find words to describe how I feel.  My heart just goes out to all those who have lost a parent and to all those who will some day lose a parent. It is SO painful!

Before dad's first surgery I asked him if I could take pictures of his journey with the cancer to share publicly in a blog for family and friends to follow. He said yes and said we could even share the "ugly truths." Even though he gave the ok, I have debated for some time in my mind whether or not to share these photos. They are treasures of our last moments together. They are also pictures of the reality of what happened to my dad.

To be honest, I feel like my gut gets punched every time I see some of these pictures. I am sure many of you who knew my father, and maybe some of you who did not know him personally, will even feel a little something inside when you view the pictures. Consider this a warning!

My dad, Alan, has always been curious about life after death, I think especially after my sister, Dieja, passed away at the age of 7. He really enjoyed hearing and reading peoples experiences of dying and then returning to tell of God's love. My dad said to me one time, "Some day we will all be in Heaven and we'll ask each other, "How did you die?"

Now he knows.

 Now I try to write in words what happened.

It all started the first week of October.....wait...let me back track.

In the summer of 2012 my father had a spot removed from his back shoulder. It was not raised. It wasn't even bothering him. It was mother who noticed the spot changing colors and suggested he have a doctor take a look. It ended up being melanoma. 

They removed the deep spot and tested the lyphm nodes all around. The tests came back clean. He was in the clear. So we all thought...

Now jump to October of 2013.

Dad felt like he had the flu. Mom and my brother Ben had just gotten over the flu when dad started feeling sick, tired and achy. The symptoms kept getting worse through out the weeks. His equilibrium was off. He started hiccuping fiercely for extended amounts of time, even when he slept at night. (Now we know that that is one of the signs of brain tumors.) 

Dad kept going to work through all of this and even celebrated his 57th birthday on the 10th of October.

A week after his birthday we were on the phone making plans to play in Moab again and to ride our bikes across Missouri this summer and all the fun things he was going to do with his grandsons. We were pumped!

A little bit later I called home on Friday  November 1 and my dad answered the phone. (He never takes sick days!) My gut dropped right then. I knew something was seriously wrong. 

Dad was puking non-stop, even though he wasn't eating or drinking anything. 

The next day mom took dad to the urgent care. They immediately did a CAT scan.

Dad calls me in Utah, with such a calm voice and tells me they discovered 3 large masses on his brain. I thought he was joking. (My dad liked to tease me.) But then he said in a calm but serious tone, "I'm not joking." 

Then I am left waiting to see what the next step is going to be. 

Dad checks into the hospital Saturday night to give him fluids and give him medicine for the dizziness and hiccups. They do an MRI. The results don't come in until Sunday late morning. By 2 o'clock they have him scheduled for surgery the next day. Monday at 1 p.m. They finally call me to tell me the update.

I immediately throw a bag together and fly to St. Louis to be with my dad before the surgery. I was almost in complete hysterics. The doctors said my sister Dieja would come out of her surgery just fine but she didn't come out alive. I couldn't risk not getting to give my love to my dad before his surgery!

I arrived at his hospital room at 12:30 a.m. Monday morning. I got to lay next to my dad on his bed with my arm across his chest and his arm around me, like he would do when I was a child, and talk until 2:30 in the morning. We talked about how blessed we are, that we have so many good memories together as a family. We reminisced on the fun activities we did together. Tears were shared as we expressed our love for each other and for Christ. I really needed that moment with him. This memory is a tender mercy from the Lord that is sustaining me now. 

Monday morning the doctors start coming in around 5 a.m., giving us more detailed information. The MRI showed not only 3 masses on his brain, but a total of 10! 

The largest tumor was at the base of the brain. It was the tumor that was making dad so dizzy he was vomiting. The surgeon said they call this tumor, where it is located, the "death tumor" because it usually just drops someone dead without any warning because it ends up blocking the spinal fluid. We all feel grateful it was caught in time to have it removed. All the other tumors are NON operable. Dad plans on getting those through chemo and radiation treatments. 

My dad's father and mother arrive. So does his sisters Janet and Emma. Grandpa Jarvis gives my father, his son, a blessing. I caught this picture right afterwards of them hugging. I can't look at this without crying.  Same with the picture below of mom and dad hugging after dad gave her a blessing. 

Dad gives all of us a blessing before he heads into surgery. This picture above is of dad just before he gives Ben a blessing. Such a tender picture of the love a father has for his son. 

Britney, my sister, is not able to fly in before dad goes into surgery. Dad was feeling bad he did not get a chance to give her a hug and a blessing. So right before the anesthesiologist comes in to knock dad out for the surgery I suggest he write a letter to Britney. That is when I took this picture. This letter is the last hand written letter from dad.

We all gave dad one last hug and kiss. Then we waited and waited.

And we waited. 

 

 

They initially told us it would be a 4 hour procedure. It ended up being 7 hours. Apparently it took an hour and a half just to cut through his skull! The surgeon said that dad had the thickest skull she had ever seen! (Mom says, "Well that explains a lot." We all laugh.) 

Dad comes out still able to speak! What a blessing!

He can recognize each of us and calls us by name. What a tender mercy!

His poor face was so swollen. They had screwed his head to a vice to hold it in place which gave him a nasty bump on his head and eventually a black eye. It made his eye swell completely shut for days. 

He also had a fat lip from where the breathing tube had sat on his lip during the 7 hour procedure. Dad said they did all that on purpose to distract him from the pain of the brain surgery. Dad's sense of humor was still there. It gave us a huge relief.

When I showed this picture to my dad afterwards he said, "Ya, you should have seen the other guy!"

I had originally scheduled to stay until Wednesday since my husband was gone on a business trip the whole week and I didn't want to wear out my sweet Aunt Jodie, dad's sister, who was watching my boys BUT that day, with his eyes closed dad reached his hand out to me and said "I need you to stay. I still need my Alana." 

That made me feel SO loved. It made me feel so good that he would still need his daughter by his side.

So I rescheduled my returning flight with the ok from Jodie (Bless her always and forever for giving me more time with my dad!)  Delta completely waived the $200 rescheduling fee when I explained the situation. What a blessing. Another tender mercy from the Lord. 

Dad with his mom and dad.

A picture of us kids with dad before Britney heads back to law school. 

Britney saying goodbye to dad before catching her flight.

Dad's motor skills were impacted from the surgery. He talked slower and moved slower. He couldn't get his right arm to obey him which frustrated him a bit, but the physical and occupational therapist said that he would regain most of abilities back.

Lovely picture of the back of his head.

Dad learning how to get socks on with one hand. He really was a trooper. Laughing and having such a good attitude through everything. 

Dad showered the nurses with so much kindness. One day the new nurse that came in was rather cold mannered. Dad gave her so many complements and asked her questions about her life that by the end of the day you would have thought they had been life long friends.

I knew my dad was a good, kind, caring man, but watching him that week in the ICU really impressed me. One day he got tears in his eyes. When asked what was wrong he explained how he felt bad for the others in the ICU that did not have any family coming to visit. He was so concerned that they were all alone. 

Every nurse, every person who came into the room to change the trash or help in anyway, Dad wanted to know their story. 

He did not want to be just the man who was sick with cancer and he did not want those who served him to be "just the lady who changed the trash." He wanted everyone to truly "live." 

Dad wanted to help me create his blog, journaling his journey and telling the stories of those who touched his life. We made the page, the tittle, but never got to post anything because I had to go back to my children, but I planned on coming back out in a week with my whole family to keep working on it.

It was such a blessing to have Aunt Emma and Aunt Janet and Aunt Julie there that week. We did not want to leave dad alone, not one minute, so we all took turns being with dad through out every hour of the day and night. I was grateful we had so many to help so we could get "some" sleep.

 This is the last hug from my dad. 

I will always hold these pictures dear to my heart. As the picture was being taken, I could feel such a calm, peaceful feeling. I felt like my heart was full and I was ready for what ever God was going do. I can see the same expression on my dad's face too.

My wonderful Mom and Dad. I am so lucky.

I left my dad looking like this. Progressing and getting stronger by the day. 

I came back to Utah and got things in order to be gone for an extended period of time. We were planning on helping mom and dad through all the treatments.  My husband, 3 boys and I drove across the country to only find my dad like......

.......THIS.

I was shocked!

 I knew that a week after I had gotten back home that dad had woken up screaming in pain early one morning. He ended up having staph infection meningitis on the brain. They did another emergency surgery to removed the infection and I guess he came out of the surgery not being able to talk or move much. He could twitch his eyes and lightly squeeze with one hand but with each day he digressed until they had to put a breathing tube in. His brain was bleeding too severely and was doing extreme damage.

When Gordon and I arrived at the hospital at 9:30 Friday night November 22, my dad responded with a little twitch of one eye. Realizing that the only Christmas present I could give to my dad now, Gordon and I sang some of dad's favorite hymns to him. He had a flow of tears from his right eye.

By Saturday morning even his right eye had become non-responsive.

We had to make the most difficult decision anyone has to ever make in their life.

A picture of Alexander and William holding Grandpa's hand.

The boys give kisses to grandpa Alan. 

Gordon and I really felt like my dad needed to feel his grandsons there. My boys needed to see their grandpa one more time. They needed to know the truth of what happened to grandpa, so we let them come into the room. Once the boys said I love You's a sweet ward member took them away so Gordon and I could be with my dad as he passed away.

The whole family picture.

When you know that you are going to lose someone you try to memorize all the little details about them. 

I had to take a picture of me holding dad's big, strong hand. Those hands have blessed me with so much love, service, kindness and help through out the years.

Dad passed away at 2:08 p.m. Saturday November 23, 2013, just three weeks to the day he found out he had brain cancer.

Now he can tell others that he passed away with his wife at his left hand, with her head on his chest over his heart, his son Ben next to his wife, his daughter Britney holding onto his right hand and daughter Alana holding onto his left foot, washing it with tears and kisses. 

His mom and dad were also there, along with two of his sisters Emma and Julie and his two son-in-laws, Ben and Gordon.

Is there a sweeter way to go?

Funeral services were held Saturday November 30th and was buried on Monday December 2, 2013 in Independence Missouri.

Mom, Britney, Ben, Emma and I stayed to watch them lower dad and cover his casket over. We placed the flowers on his grave and also Dieja, my sister's grave right next to him. In a way it was healing to watch the whole process be complete. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to thank those who spent countless hours serving my family during those three weeks dad was in the hospital and the following weeks after his death.

 

 I am so very grateful to the good men who gave blessings and the sacrament to dad while he was in the hospital.

 

I can't tell you how many hours sisters from the ward came and sat with us, to talk, to listen and support those of us trying to support dad. They brought so much delicious food!  Food was the last thing on our minds and when our tummies finally started to scream it was a blessing to have good food to turn to.

 

 I can't thank enough the brothers and sisters from the ward who came to visit dad. Each visit meant so much to him. With each visit his eyes would light up with delight and strength would come back to him. Watching the scouts come in two by two to see Alan touched my soul and brought tears to dad's eyes.

 

I wish I had taken pictures of each of you.

 

And in my mom's own words....

 

"Of course the people that served us tirelessly for these many days are the nurses and techs, house keepers and servers. Almost without exception, they displayed the highest attitude and energy and devotion to Alan's healing, comfort and care. When under great emotional and physical distress, the quickest response to a call, gentlest help with a shower, most tidy of room, with tasty and quickly served nourishment provide relief from the great burdens of illness. There are many of the staff that we wanted to hug and thank in a most unprofessional way.  

The last few days in ICU, we were blessed with ministering angels who helped Alan and I through his last hours here. I remember some of the names but remember every face that blessed us. Words cannot express my gratitude for their work and compassion on our behalf."

 

To each of you who reached out  

 

THANK YOU.

 

 

 

Please do not remember Alan as the sick man in the pictures, remember him like this. The great husband, fun father, kind brother, loving grandpa and a helpful friend.... Because this is who he was.

He had such a jolly countenances with a twinkle in his eyes.

He was as everyone said, "A Gentle Giant."

Below are some of my favorite pictures I put together of dad. 

(Really I could make a whole book of great pictures with my dad, but these are what I had at hand.)

Silly picture of dad and me after a 20 mile bike ride in the dead heat of the HUMMID summer in Missouri. We love to take bike rides together. 

This is a picture of the Katy Trail that goes clear across Missouri. We were planning on conquering the whole trail this summer. The scenery is absolutely stunning.

The family at my graduation with Uncle Mark (dad's brother and Aunt RaeAnn) and Gordon's dad Jon.

Grandpa Jarvis and Alexander

Pictures from the Moab trip several years ago.

Grandma and Grandpa with William.

Grandpa Alan and Grandma Kim on Lincoln's home blessing day.

Grandpa carrying William on his shoulders this past summer when we went to the Zoo.

This past summer when we went camping and toured the Meramec caves. 

Grandma and Grandpa took the boys while I had baby Lincoln at home. My parents were flying in for my brother in laws graduation in Idaho when I went into labor. Dad gave me a blessing and a hug. Then they took the boys to McDonalds and a movie while I had baby. They even let them stay at the hotel with them that night so I could get some rest. 

Sweet baby Lincoln looking at Grandpa Alan at 3 days old. I LOVE this picture.

Grandpa loved to fish and loved to teach his grandsons how to fish too.

Two Christmases ago Grandpa Alan was able to come out and make ginger bread houses with us. We went bowling, went to a movie and played. 

Grandpa Alan giving William a birthday present. LEGOS!

A common site to behold, Dad in his scouting attire. 

Again, another picture from a bike ride. I think we even ran several miles this trip too.

Grandpa helping Lincoln walk.

Everyone loves Grandpa Alan!!!!!