Baby Jon Alan Titus

I don't know if I am really ready to write about baby Jon Alan. I have tried to write on this post several times only to delete the words. How can any words give justice to all that we have experienced, all that I am feeling? I don't know if the pictures even need words. We were 18 weeks pregnant when our baby boy, Jon Alan, was born dead. Birth and death in their individual moments are spiritual, but there is nothing more spiritual than when birth and death happen at the same moment, especially for an innocent tiny baby that we had so much love, hope and dreams for. Nothing can prepare a person for this moment, but our testimony of eternal families is sustaining us. 

Maybe I should just start by telling you what happened. From the beginning.

In the early spring while driving home from an activity with the kids the spirit told me plain as day in my mind, "You need to have a baby this year." I was shocked, shook my head and asked, "What was that?!" Again, "You need to get pregnant. Your baby needs to be born this year."  After that I had several conversations with God, about how I needed at least three months to detox  and strengthen my body before trying to conceive. (I hadn't really worked out since Lincoln was born 2 years ago.) I prayed of what I was to do and finally told Heavenly Father that He was going to have to wait 3 months and IF He needed the baby to come before the end of the year He was going to have to surprise us with the pregnancy. 

One night while laying in bed I starting thinking of baby names when it came to me, "His name is suppose to be Jon Alan Titus." I immediately turned over and told Gordon.

Two weeks later I found out we were expecting. 

My jaw dropped and the spirit swept over me. 

I had to repent for not being obedient and for talking to God as I did. This baby NEEDED to be here.

I was so sick in the pregnancy . I could hardly eat anything, but we continued to have spiritual experiences. Little did we realize that those spiritual moments were preparing us for what was going to happen. 

Because I was so sick, and was not so with my other 3 boys, I figured it must be a girl.

My belly grew. I felt the baby flutter inside. 

Until one day I realized I had not felt the flutters. My sickness went away. I was 16 weeks along, but figured God was just blessing me so I could have the energy to get things done around the farm and the house to prepare for baby. 

Two weeks later, early Monday morning after tossing and turning all night, I pulled myself awake enough to realize I was hurting. It was 4:00 a.m.  I had heart burn and needed to use the restroom. I took some meds and cleared out. There was a tiny bit of blood. Then I realized there was a rythm to my pain. I was in labor. I woke Gordon at 4:30 to give me a blessing. We googled how to stop labor. I took a warm bath, went on all fours to take pressure off the cervix, drank a bunch of water, but by 5:00 a.m. the contracts were every 4 minutes and getting stronger. 

We called our neighbor to watch our sleeping children. We went to the E.R.

Up to this point we had not had an ultrasound. In fact, I was going to get one that week to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.

Can I just tell you that the WORST SOUND in the world is NO SOUND of a heart beat at an ultrasound. It was sickening. I never heard my baby's heart beat for which I am sorry. 

I was shocked. We all were. The room was deathly silent. 

We started to cry, even the sweet lady who did the ultrasound. 

We still did not know if the baby was a boy or girl.

Contractions were 3 minutes apart. Gordon drove me down to Ogden Regional Hospital. By the time we arrived the contractions were 1 minute apart.

By the time I laid on the bed, the contractions were one on top of each other. I was done. I did not want to feel any more of the labor. Between my heart breaking and the labor pains it was too much. I got an epidural.

(Having had a unmedicated birth with Lincoln, I have to say that this was much more painful. With Lincoln, when I pushed, it gave relief. With baby, when I pushed it just shot more pain up into my back. My cervix was not ready.  I just held my breath with each contraction and gripped the arm rails on the bed. I knew I did not have a living baby to supply oxygen to. It helped. I was quiet the whole time but shaking uncontrollably all over. It was such a relief to get the epidural!) 

20 Minutes late Dr. came in. He said the only thing keeping the baby from coming out was the sack. I gave him permission to pop it. No sooner had he done so when baby came out.

Baby was a BOY! We were so excited! Our baby Jon Alan!

I began to puke.

The picture below is the picture Gordon took with his phone the moment Jon Alan was born. I hope you do not find this picture morbid. Baby was dead inside of me for a while so his body had started to break down, especially his head, so I only share this picture of his body which I cropped. I wanted my boys to have the image of a whole, healthy baby in their mind, but get to SEE his body. 

Dr.'s could not see anything wrong with him outwardly. He was 6.5 inches long and looked just like a mini baby doll. He had fingernails, ears, nose, mouth, tongue, bones, ribs, toes. He definitely looked like a Titus boy! 

I love the detail of his body in this picture. His left arm is up around his neck, but it allows me to see the ribs on his side, his rounded shoulder, the veins in his thigh, fingernails, fingers. His beautiful little body I would have kissed, hugged, bathed, fed and tickled if he was still with us.

 

I am so glad that the hospital gave us time to hold Jon Alan and take a few pictures. 

 

 

I LOVE this picture of Jon Alan's hand on Gordon's finger. Baby's head is down and you can see the top of his nose next to his elbow.

 

 

Then next most difficult moment after the birth was handing my baby over to the man from the mortuary. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stop crying. I could only bear to hand him over to Gordon who had to walk him out of the room and hand Jon Alan's body over. 

What a blow to the gut. 

My time to hold and kiss my baby in this earth life was over. 

Walking out of the hospital empty handed was, to be honest, hell. 

But I did have something to hold. A BOX. A sweet memory box that some random, thoughtful volunteer made for parents like us to keep mementos from this day. Below is a picture of my keep sakes. Pieces of my baby's birthday that I can keep, hold and remember. 

 

I hope you do not mind me sharing these things with you. It is helping me process everything by sharing. 

 The  picture above is of the cutely decorated memory box top, Jon Alan's foot and hand prints, birth information such as weight, height etc, and pictures of the tiny diaper they put on him, the gold ring, the little outfits they have in the memory boxes. They also had a little hat, darling blanket and a tiny teddy bear that came it the box...but of course we put the hat on baby and have him holding the teddy bear wrapped in the blanket. :o)  The hospital let me keep the blanket they placed Jon Alan on right after he was born. They also made hospital bracelets for me and one for baby that they would have put on him if he would have been born alive. I thought it was a sweet gesture.  There is also a little picture frame that says, "Little Angel."  Even if the ward does not put some of these boxes together for a service project, I am going to make some on my own. I just can not express how much having this memory box with stuff Jon Alan touched inside has helped me! Who would of thought that something so simple could have such a HUGE impact.

The next one is of a picture my friend Emily left for me. When I got home and opened it, I just cried. Such a beautiful picture. I am sure Jon Alan was going to be just as darling as the baby in the Jesus picture.

 

The next is of the beautiful flowers the Allred's gave us. It was so nice to come home to such a beautiful surprise that made me smile and warmed my heart. I have the memory box sitting next to it on the piano right now. I am putting cards and other items in as we receive them.

 

 

We buried Jon Alan that following Wednesday, August 7th, 2013 at 3 p.m. He is buried at the Evergreen Memorial Park under this beautiful maple tree. It was a hot, windy day. We chose to have a small family service with a balloon release. I am glad we did that for baby, but also for Alexander, William and Lincoln. It put a little bit of "happy" in a difficult day.

 

 

 

Things that I have learned in the trial.

1. I am not in control. Only God is. I have to be like the leaves on the trees in the fall time. I have to "Let God and Let God." I have to trust the cycle of life and all its lessons. Truly we are blessed to breath from moment to moment.

2. I have the best husband I could have ever imagined, wish or dreamed for. I love him more deeply after going through this with him than I ever thought possible. Our bond grows stronger and stronger with each trial. This one has been a true test of our character. Gordon is my shade giving tree.

3. I have empathy for those who have lost a child. As I was in labor, names of friends and people I have known that have lost a baby kept coming to my mind. I kept thinking, "Oh my. This is what they went through. Now I get it. Ouch this hurts. I am so sorry they had to experience this too. I just want to run and give them a big hug because this is just plain crappy. I get "it" now." But I also thought about how they have survived, and have flourished in their lives after loss. It gave me hope. It gave me strength.

4. I have learned that grief is real. It is something else that you do not have control over. The body has natural responces to tragedy. I can only try to keep those responces within proper boundaries. You CAN NOT judge people. Everyone grieves differently. I have thought things and felt things that I never thought I would. Some of them negative, some of them positive. It is an even more intense battle to conquer the "natural self" that screams to abandon the cause and save myself. I realize that there is nothing that is going to make this ache go away, except time and gaining a deaper testimony of gospel truths.

5. It is ok to examine my testimony. I am learning things I never would have learned or felt, if I had not been placed in this situation. It is as if my testimony is a stone wall, with Christ as the foundation, has just been hit by a wrecking ball and I am just now seeing parts of the wall I never noticed before. The depth of the wall is new. I am picking up the stones one by one. Examining them and putting them together to fit more snug than before. Yes, I still have a few stones that I haven't figured out how to place, but they are there and I am learning. I will figure it out. I feel that my wall is getting stronger than before.

5. I have learned that there is no end to the depth of human emotion. I thought I had felt saddness, anger, loneliness, peace from the Gospel, love, gratitude and SO MANY other emotions until this happened. I am feeling them ALL so intensely. I guess it must be this way. We are eternal beings. It is in "feeling" things that we do our greatest learning. 

6. The greatest way I am feeling God's love is through the kindness of others. People have been our personal angels in serving my family during this time. Every act of kindness, whether it is someone asking how we are handling the loss and then listening, reminds me God loves me. He loves my family. He hasn't forgot us. His angels are assisting us. 

7. I have learned that there is an allotted portion of affection from my heart devoted just for baby Jon Alan. No one can replace it. This part of my heart is boxed up and reserved for my baby. Now I am learning to function with that  part of my heart gone. It gets a little bit easier with each day.

8. When I was swallowed up and consumed with the grief, I felt like my living children were going to be my reason for further insanity, but the truth is, THEY ARE MY SANITY.  I thank Heavenly Father each day for my three handsome living boys! They have kept me from crawling in a dark hole and never coming out.  They are my joy. Three beautiful presents from God. I am so lucky to be a mom of four boys, three of which I get to hold, hug, laugh, play, learn, and pray with. 

I must have done something right in my life to be blessed with 5 wonderful men in my home. My husband and best friend Gordon, and my darlings, Alexander, William, Lincoln and Jon Alan in spirit.

I AM BLESSED.